The Dalai Lama’s Views on Marriage in the West

Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce — that’s the statistic that’s frequently pointed to when discussing marriage in the US. However, this is a misleading statistic. For those living above the poverty line, the divorce rate is much lower. For those who are college educated, the divorce rate is much lower. For those who wait until at least their late 20s, the divorce rate is also much lower. Hopefully we can upend this skewed statistic that cynics (perhaps intentionally?) and common citizens (unknowingly) purport.

However, even though the divorce rate is probably overstated, it is true that divorce is on the rise in the West.

The Dalai Lama was recently interviewed, he said, “Too many people in the West have given up on marriage. Westerners do not understand that [marriage] is about developing a mutual admiration of someone, a deep respect, trust and awareness of another human’s needs,” he says. “The new easy-come, easy-go relationships give us more freedom, but less contentment.”

I’ve studied and meditated on the possible reasons for the high divorce rate. Could it be that we’re so absorbed in external distractions (i.e. careers, TV shows, constant advertising bombardments, etc.) that we’ve lost the ability to truly support, respect, and unconditionally love our partners?

Buddhists and Catholics are among the groups that have low divorce rates. But studies have also shown that atheists have lower than average divorce rates. Perhaps there’s not a connection with organized or labeled (a label does not make an explicit distinction between practicing and non practicing member of a religion) religion per se but is there a connection between spirituality, lucidity, consciousness? Does the married couple with more awareness of their connection to their inner being, to the universe and to their partner, have a better chance at “until death do us part”?

The Dalai Lama says, “These are times when destructive emotions like anger, fear and hatred are giving rise to devastating problems throughout the world. But I believe we have a valuable opportunity to make progress in dealing with them, through a collaboration between religion and science. When the two come together, the result is the cultivation of connection — of empathy and compassion.”

“At the heart of this approach is the Buddhist belief in the mutability of consciousness — the idea that we can, through certain practices, change our inner being. It means that the cultivation of loving-kindness can over a period diminish the force of hate in the mind.”

To me, the Dalai Lama’s view on this leads me to believe that cultivating awareness and utilizing practices to help reduce anger, fear, and hatred can help us to become better partners.